Breathe In, Breathe Out

All day yesterday I had in my head a post about slowing down. Its been a long pregnant sick week. I was tired, feeling overwhelmed about the things not done in my home, and trying hard to focus on the big picture of all my school planning, a plan that works for all the children, where we learn together and treasure the time as time well spent in each other's company. It struck me that this means no one, especially me, is sitting in front a screen when that happens. And so I pondered all these thoughts. I thought about visiting blogs and forums, hearing everyone's good news, bad news, ideas and fervent requests for prayers and I realized how there are times when all those things take me as far away from my home as if I physically left. My children are keenly aware of those times.

I also know that I have very dear real, flesh and blood friends, who in our face to face contact, in our real time spent together is when I feel most supported. You know, those phone conversations where you suddenly realize half an hour has passed in what seemed like seconds. I will also tell you that this past year at least one online friendship has flowered into a wonderful real friendship (for me and the children) that makes me smile every time I think about it.

So I had this post planned...and then...an asthma attack. An hour spent just trying to calmly move air through my lungs without panicking. With each painful breath I would ask for St. Gerard's intercession when I breathed in and Our Lady of Guadalupe's on the breath out.The rest of the afternoon resting. Of course, all I could think was what a perfect lesson.

And then...another asthma attack late in the evening. This time it was Dave that pulled me through. I sat on our bed and squeezed his hand. He watched, he waited, he prayed. It is very hard not to panic in the middle of an asthma attack. No matter how many times I've been through it, when I'm in the middle of a really bad one, I have to fight very hard to remind myself that I am not going to die. It is so much worse when I'm pregnant. But, I could feel the strength in his grasp and I knew I would be alright. As it subsided and I lay on the bed exhausted, praying sleep would come and I could forget the day, I was aware of him constantly turning to check on me. I don't think I've ever felt so safe. Another lesson.

I will be patient. I will learn to breathe in and out to a slower rhythm in our home. I will look for and treasure real moments with my family and friends. I will remember that God and my husband are my strength. I will reach out to be present in real ways to the people right in front of me. I will continue to plan our coming school year, joyfully, and eagerly anticipating the time spent together. I will plan simple pleasures like peach picking and making pies to freeze for a surprise taste of summer in the dead of winter. I will wash tiny baby clothes. Most of all, I will not worry about "missing out" online on the great idea or big news. I will breathe in and out, trying to remember to pray with each breath.